A Brief Guide to Voting.*

datePosted on 08:34, September 19th, 2014 by Pablo

For those who remain undecided about where their voting preferences lie, allow me to offer this brief guide.


If you are an urban hipster, video game geek or under 20 who likes to yell “F*** you” a lot, then the Internet Party is your best option.

If you are a disgruntled old lefty or maori activist who waxes nostalgic for the glory days of relevancy, or a bogan, vote Mana.

If you are smug materialist wanker or wanna-be wanker who thinks the poor deserve their fate, money equates to personal value and anything goes in the pursuit of money or power, then vote National.

If you are an anxious sell-out who wishes that you were better than that, or a brown person wanting to climb the social ladder a few rungs, then vote Labour.

If you are a non-anxious sell-out who thinks the word sustainable is cool to use at cocktail parties, vote Green.

If you are religious, like the death penalty and are into smacking kids, vote Conservative.

If you are a closet freak who acts straight-laced in public but likes to get kinky in private, vote United Future.

If you are part of the maori aristocracy or a maori who likes to suck up to the Man, vote Maori party.

If you are pakeha geezer, xenophobe or confused economic nationalist, vote Winston First.

If you are a wide eyed adolescent pseudo-intellectual who masturbates while reading Ann Rand and wonder why you cannot get a date, vote ACT.

If you think that 1080 is part of 5 Eyes, vote Ban 1080.

If you are  loser who likes to follow another loser, NZ Independent Coalition is your choice.

If you have no clue as to what you want in life, Focus New Zealand can help.

If you like Winston First policies but cannot stand Winnie, vote Democrats for Social Credit.

If you think that it is hilarious that taxpayers fund the campaign of a piss-take satirical group, then vote Civilian Party.

If you wish people would just chill out,  then Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party is for you.

If you are a recent immigrant, you should re-think that decision. Vote Blank.

And if all else fails…vote for Penny Bright!


*This guide is for general reference purposes and should not be considered an endorsement or recommendation of anything.


11 Responses to “A Brief Guide to Voting.*”

  1. Dubslav von Stechlin on September 19th, 2014 at 17:39

    Why should Bogans vote for Mana?

    Also, do you realise you can’t vote for the Internet Party or Mana, since they’ve combined? You can only vote for IMP?

    I dunno Pablo it seems from this that you don’t really understand NZ politics. I know it’s a joke, but it seems a very poorly informed one.

  2. Pablo on September 19th, 2014 at 17:49


    You are absolutely right, I have no clue, which is of course why I wrote this post. There is nothing like a little bit of satire to bring out the frothers.

    Those who vote for Mana do so in spite of, not because of the Internet Party. They do not mind Dotcom’s funding opportunism. Those who vote Internet Party wonder why they are involved with Hone and the commies and the baggage they bring.

    That is why I had to separate them out in a satirical one liner.

  3. Dave Waugh on September 19th, 2014 at 20:40

    I had to google “Penny Bright”.
    Wow that….. that is…. I’m lost for words (that are not going to cause me legal grief).

    Makes me yearn for the McGillicuddy serious party to stage a come back so I have a sane alternative to choose.

  4. Dubslav von Stechlin on September 19th, 2014 at 20:48

    Well said Pablo. As Goethe said a true man knows his limitations and you are that true man.

  5. Tiger Mountain on September 19th, 2014 at 20:49

    Thats the spirit, hose the swine down with all the satire their cheap suits can soak up!

    Penny–noooo not Penny!

  6. paul scott on September 20th, 2014 at 01:54

    Yes, this is me below Pablo, you get it, but you forget to say I am stupid, and a redneck as well, you certainly need some fresh air after the hiding you got coming :

    you are smug materialist wanker or wanna-be wanker who thinks the poor deserve their fate, money equates to personal value and anything goes in the pursuit of money or power, then vote National.

  7. Pablo on September 20th, 2014 at 06:37

    Dubslav: I take it that you are an ACT voter.

    Paul: I am glad that I could help you recognise your voting preferences. You represent that political demographic quite well.

    TM: It is a bit sardonic but equal opportunity in its distribution. Remember that I have to vote (and in fact have already voted) for one/some of these options. In fact, scanning the ballot paper is what gave me the idea for this piss take.

    Dave: You could do worse than Penny. She is nothing if not sincere and committed to her causes.

    Now let’s all lighten up and enjoy the day of political ritual.

  8. Dubslav von Stechlin on September 20th, 2014 at 23:27

    Actually I voted Greens for party and Labour for electorate. Why do you say I am an ACT voter? Who did you vote for, Pablo?

  9. paul scott on September 20th, 2014 at 23:30

    Yes Pablo, the redneck fascist Society have joined arms, brothers you might say, and now for the surveillance re organisation. No more criminal,foreign wreckers in this country, You see Pablo the average punter is nearly like me, you like to call us stupid, venal, and selfish; shows how little you know. You certainly pushed us out to vote.
    We are having a competition to see who is the most precious and condescending you or Totter, and I am sorry to tell you Trotter is way out in front of you, he is just a foamimg preacher. at least you can think.
    China is taking over Asia, Pablo.

  10. Pablo on September 21st, 2014 at 07:14

    Paul: I must concede. You are absolutely right. There are lots of wankers out there.

    Dubslav: It was a joking rely to your insult. Review the guide. As for my votes. Both went to the progressive, albeit losing side of the equation. It is a sad day in Pabloville.

  11. Edward Main on September 21st, 2014 at 21:30

    What a great guide!

    A shame I didn’t read this on Friday night

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